You don't have to like Seinfeld to go with this concept.

Ideas often occur to me in the form of a new Seinfeld episode. By this I mean the way each episode used to introduce a new quirk in a person ("he's a close talker" or "he slinks up silently at work"). Also, the existing characters can evolve some type of funny new way of looking at things ("things always even out for me" or "I'm doing the opposite!").

I have these type of experiences with new people or myself.

Here's one that happened yesterday:

Steven returned to my law firm as a summer clerk (like an intern). Last summer, he was not a big hit with my clique of lawyers. He had some annoying work habits, and an oversized head. It was a close call whether to invite him back -- not everyone supported it. He doesn't know that.

His first day back, we took him along with our lunch group. We went to one of our regular haunts, which is a sort of "meat and three" place. When it came time to order, Steven went "off the reservation" and ordered something we have never ordered in seven years: cheeseburger basket, half fries, half onion rings.

"Cheeseburger?" we thought. This is not a cheeseburger place. But when the order came, the onion rings looked amazing. They were the circumference of a grapefruit, and the batter looked fresh dipped and stippled with flavor craters. Hmmm. There's something about this Steven, I thought. I like the cut of his jib. Several from our party asked follow-up questions about the onion rings.

All of a sudden, Steven's stock is on the rise. For the rest of the hour, he seemed confidant, in command, and insightful. His suit even looked crisper. I think he may have lost weight.

Back at the office, word traveled through office conferences. "Did you hear about the onion rings?" "Yes. This is an interesting development. Are they available as a side without the burger?"

Now I think Steven can rest assured that he will get a job offer. He is now the Summer Clerk Who Ordered the Onion Rings.



I'll post more as they distill in my thoughts -- feel free to post your own. No need to be elaborate -- one sentence ideas are great.

Heh. Funny. Now I want some onion rings.

Make sure you eat them communion wafer-style, Trev. Preferably while listening to Journey.


I like the atmosphere of your musing, Jay. I have thoughts like this on occasion as well.

More, please.

Except for artistic license (fiction) this happened last week . It involves an element of tragedy, but not too deeply.

Ellen had not been pulling her weight at work. She had been a lawyer with our firm for about year, but her proficiency is not where it should be. Her caseload has dried up, because she has disappointed each partner in our group one by one.

I'm group leader, so I had been working to try and find a landing spot for Ellen, so she could work consistently with one partner and develop her skill. I went to one of our senior partners, John and asked him to put her on a new antitrust case. It's a big case, so it can hold several lawyers.

"I need Roy and Michael. Roy's got the researching skill, and Michael is young and hardworking," said John.

I told him, "We've got to put Ellen to work. She has proficiency problems, but if we don't do something, it's not going to work out."

John was antsy about a touchy situation. "I don't want to be named in the lawsuit when she claims I screwed her or something. I just don't need this.'

After sleeping on it, John came in and said "I'll take her on the case, IF I can have both Roy and Michael." I agreed. "She'll probably bill her whole day to my case," John worried.

I tired to be reassuring. "If she does, things better get done. No excuses for procrastinating if she's writing down the whole day on your matter."

Both John and I felt relieved -- honestly, it's a stressful situation when an employee seems to be heading in the dumper, and both of us wanted to give her a chance, at least for the record. But we were both worried that she would not do good work.

We informed Ellen of the new case on Tuesday. She got right to work on Wednesday. On Thursday morning, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was caught early, and they operated Friday. An office email reported Friday that she has a 95% chance of complete recovery. She will be out for a few weeks.

The work progresses on the case -- John has Roy and Michael cranking along. We looked at each other as I stood in his office.

"This worked out perfectly," said John. I nodded slightly. John furrowed his brow and added "Well, I mean, except for the breast cancer."

END


<<the last lines are embellished -- the exchange was much more subtle, and John and I then discussed that it reminded us of the Seinfeld where Jerry, Kramer, and George dance a jig and sing "The killer struck again!>>

A well-told tale, Jay. Both, in fact!

I could also see these being episodes of the Office.

Which is a current favorite of mine -- so that filter is there.

Another thing it reminds me (since the workplace/office setting is there) is the way Dilbert readers send Scott Adams things that are silly in the workplace.

Example (true story): We just reorganized our work groups, and we called them "Industry Cluster Groups."

About two weeks into it, management informed us "Uh . . . based on your feedback, we're dropping the word "cluster" from the name."

People were afraid calling it a "cluster" would prove all too prophetic.

I like these. I couldn't help but wonder if The Onion Ring Guy ate them with a knife and fork, though.

And thank god you found something for Ellen. Can you imagine losing your job and getting diagnosed with cancer at around the same time?

As far as both go, I like how well you describe the subtle office politics, and how even though both people have flaws, you still feel sympathy for them.

I fucking hate lawyers. Could you change the venue, Jay?

Other than that? Aces.

Jay will soon be starring in his own sitcom - Strange Cases. He seems to have plenty of episode ideas.

I like these a lot, Jay. Seinfeld, disturbingly enough, is one of the few TV shows that reminds me of real life because of its inanity. Funny how inanity often becomes quite profound in some circumstances, though.

I've got a couple more.

Molly has been a regular on our coed law league softball team. Molly doesn't work at the firm; she's what you call a "ringer." She knows what to do with a ball.

Molly hit it off with Josh, one of our other good players. They dated. They both played well. What could go wrong?

Leave it to Josh, the slacker/bungler. I don't know what he did in the the off-season, but he managed to become estranged from Molly, possibly as a bad breaker-upper. So Molly didn't come out this year. And Josh didn't come out this year. We lost both players.

I ran into Molly at church a few weeks ago. "Hi, Molly!" She was warm, and the Return of Molly suddenly seemed ripe with possibility.

"You should come back out -- we need you."

"I may just do that. I've been busy." Molly continued on, as if wrapping up.

The words you're looking for are 'Well, see ya later!'

"Josh hasn't even been coming. . . . he's never there . . . .Not that you would mind if he was there . . . you could both play . . . I mean, I don't even know your status with Josh . . . whatever is fine . . . "

STOP. TALKING!

Molly looked awkward. "I haven't heard from Josh in quite a while."

END IT. FOR THE SWEET, SWEET LOVE OF GOD, END IT!

"Well, I wasn't implying you like Josh or would want to play or wouldn't want to play or whatever. Just thought I'd let you know that Josh is not playing."

"Okay," said Molly.

The stench of my flop sweat was pungent. We both knew she would never play softball again on any field with me. I regretted the day I ever picked up a softball. We parted in mandatory fashion, mumbling "you, too" or something or other.

But church was nice.

Coming soon: The Return of Onion Ring Boy In: The German Intern