One of my best friends in the entire world -- the John to my Ringo, if you will -- sent me an e-mail this morning that nearly made me piss myself laughing. So did the co-workers who read the print-out. Thought I'd share with y'all.
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Dairy of the Foresaken
(or, All These Messages Are Suck)
So, I recently visited a ripe slice o’ Hell called Fictionpress.com. I began to explore the Fantasy category, where teenage D&D nerds go to put their febrile power-fantasies to paper in flurries of derivative illiteracy. The preponderance of Godawful writing here simply begs for mockery, so please, allow me…
Below is a selection of story summaries posted by these feckless dorks. I haven’t changed a word of thenm, and all spelling and punctuation oddities have been carefully preserved for your reading pleasure. My responses are also included for the sheer joy of vitriol.
Quote:
“Aisling, pronounced Ashling, is partsiren, partnymph and can shoot fire out of her eyes if she loses control. So what happens when she accidently ensnares her vampire classmate?”
I really don’t want to know, but since 70% of these “I Was A Teenage Girldork” fantasies involve having sex with a vampire, I bet I can guess. Whatever happened to girls being infatuated with horses?
Quote:
“At the age of 12, Rosalie Montgomery was attacked by demon bees when she wanders into the forest at night. She is saved by a wolf demon named Marcus. Discovering her immortality and her spiritual power, she loses a lot, but gains more.”
Demon… bees? Well, since another 24% of these girly stories involve the heroine getting her cherry popped by a wolfman of some sort, I think we all know what Rosalie lost and gained (oh-HO yesh). (Of the rest, 5% involves being deflowered by pirates, and the remaining 1% is best categorized as “other” and quickly shoved away.)
Quote:
“A cunning and beautiful mercenary is hired by the Pope to assassinate the king of England.”
God, this made me laugh hard. Amazingly, the Pope is neither a vampire nor a werewolf.
Quote:
“What happens when the fate of the continent is placed on the scrawny shoulders of a primitive village teenager? Probably nothing good! This light hearted humerus story will take you on an adventure of hope, power, political manipulation and stupidity.”
Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy… This might be the first story to prominently feature a leg-bone, though.
Quote:
“This is actually a literate roleplay between me and a friend. It's kind of like a scifi computer chips in people's brains, magical powers, and an alien drama, mixed in with young romance! Woo! Yeah, it's a real melting pot of stuffs. Enjoy?”
Doubt it. Next…
Quote:
“For years the world has been plagued by Death Jester. No one knows who or why this creature exists. When Robert and Angela's sister is kidnapped by this inhuman monster they have to save her. But in a wide unusual world, who knows what you'll find”
Fear his Turned-Up Jingly Slippers of Doom.
Quote:
“a vampire and two half breeds a love triangle who will able choose”
All these messages are suck…
Quote:
“There was once a powerful warlord, his defeat marked the imprisonment of his soul. Now, as evil beckons for the reminiscence of his power, a mere bondservant is summoned on behalf of the man of the Prophecy. Ambiguity on his side, nothing is as it seems.”
Ambiguity certianly isn’t on my side. And nothing is as it seems. I wonder if we’ll run across that statement again?
Quote:
“What would you do if your life was torn apart, everything u knew had a knife throust through it, and what if u found out that you're what everyone's been looking for? A whole new definition of fantasy adventure.”
It’s certainly a new defintion of illiteracy. (“Throust.” It’s killin’ me.)
Quote:
“This is about a Demon Cat Princess named Nekohana who must find a tablet and close an evil portal from destroying her world. during her journey, she meets many people, both friends and enemies and learns that not everything is as it seems.”
Could there be just one story where everything is exactly as it seems?
Quote:
“Some believed that the old Palace was just a long forgotten ruin that the eldars used to tell the fables but when a slave of mysterious origins is bought no one can ignore the fact that every last word of the fables is true when a slave knows the truth...”
…and ambiguity is on his side.
Quote:
‘If you were to describe Paul Jones in one sentence, “flamboyant” would show up at least once.”
And how could it show up more than once? Wait, I know: ‘He was as flamboyant as flamboyant could be.’
Quote:
“Colby is forced to choose from five girls to who he will be wed two of the girls are much more interested in each other. So to get out of the marriage he helps a demon girl deliver a cursed bell that if rung 3 times will destroy the world to it's demise!”
You know, I hate it when I destroy the world, but not to it is demise.
Quote:
“Matthew, a college sophmore who has no idea he's half-dragon, went to school across the country to get away from his not-so-very-nice adoptive parents. Only he didn't excape his problems by coming to Boston, they only got worse.”
How in the name of God do you not know you’re half-dragon?
Quote:
“What would you do if you suddenly entered into a weird dimension, found out that there had been a silent battle going on, meet the one boys who you remembered had saved you, found out one of them was haunting you, and realize you're actually a mage?”
I’d starting writing a craptastic story about it all!
Quote:
“A young girl is faced with a tradgey she can't leave behind. But when a studly giant comes to aid, she remembers what it's like be alive again.”
A studly… giant? (Insert your own “throusting” joke here.)
Quote:
“where have all the fey things gone? they search for all the whimsy in the world.”
So, wait… the fey things have gone to search for all the whimsy in the world? You’ve pretty much answered your own question, I think.
Quote:
“She belongs to a demon, nothing but a tool to him. Her only desire is his well being and satisfaction, her only goal is to give what he wants. Her only dream is to prove that she's worthy of him.”
File under ‘Other.’
Quote:
“A man is tracked down and shot.”
You don’t say?
Quote:
“This is about a guard who dies.”
The fabulous sequel!
Quote:
“My Story is about a 12 year old girl named Ebony who finds a neck less with a rock on it in the back of her closet. Some strange things happen to her and the rock. Fantasy creatures are mixed in with adventure in this wonderful story!”
A “neck less.” My face hurts.
Quote:
“She's cold but not as cold as she thinks she is She's there to escape from her past but she's got more power that she thinks and a destiny with someone she rather not have but she's powerless to stop their fate together”
And then they go to a rave and make a new friend and cool stuff happens and Jesus lives there…
Quote:
“Two girls, one is a half Dryad, the other is a human Ranger. Both now travel in realm they don't know, to face an opponent they know nothing about. To survive they will have to rely on each other, learning more about themselves as they do.”
‘Other.’
Quote:
“Sexy seductive vampress meets newgirl. Vampire falls in love. Girl doesn't. Vampire tries wooing. Girl belts her one across the face. Girl is a grudgestriken werewolf ordered to kill vampires. Vampire wonders why all the crazy ones are pretty.”
Not really sure which category this goes into. If only the vampire was also an elf and a pirate!
Quote:
“Yes, it is possible to be all three an elf and a vampire and a pirate...”
Now we’re getting somewhere!
Quote:
“A young priestess contemplates the horrific ritual awaiting her but not all is as it seems.”
Oh, not again…
Quote:
“All my tranformer characters are Taishu Liala Layla Lia Areana Kittey meMy friend Ashes are Ash her Valiant Hustle Tiberia Fireball Blackbane”
And order vIaGrA now 70% off…
Quote:
“Warning! This story contanins satian and things like that. If you dont like then don't read. If you do read then don't flame okay?”
OK, I had to devite from the established format for this one… The title of the story that contains “satian” is: “Dairy of the Forsaken.” (Oh, God, I’m dyin’ here…)
Quote:
“A young girl discovers her world isn't quite what it seems. Now she must learn to master her powers within and stop her rival from taking over the world.”
God. Damn. It.
Quote:
“After Suddenly finding out he is able to wield magic, Dan finds out that life isn't as straight forward as it always seems.”
That’s it -- someone dies tonight!
Quote:
“I must warn you that it is kind of weird and very different form Lillian.Involves a mage, a prince, a king, an assasin, three slaves, and very briefly, an orphan. Guess which one is the sadist.”
The author?
Quote:
“Bigin with a prophecy...”
AND
Quote:
“This is the first of many possible entries in this series, this one is titled Part One: This Is The Biginning”
‘Bigin’ with a goddam dictionary, dolt.
Quote:
“Dani’s finally beautiful, but things aren’t always what they seem.”
I’m headed for the clock tower with my sniper rifle right now!
Quote:
“An unusual girl has two odd qualities. She's a mermaid. She's a vampire.The first noted one in at least 500 years, she has to find out why and change herself back. To do so requires interaction in the human world. If she finds the cause, will she stay?”
My sitcom detector just went off…
Quote:
“These are the first 4 chapters of my novel in progress. I need criticism.”
Um… you’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny?
Quote:
“Talianna is sent to bed for the results of her actions, but not everything is as it seems.”
STOP IT! STOP WRITING THAT!
Quote:
“Surrounded by hot guys, pursued by a dropdead gorgeous shapeshifter, and made to run from a bloody thirsty, insane vampire. Kierra Walters didn't exactly have a peaceful life.”
Technically speaking, couldn’t ANY shapeshifter be “dropdead gorgeous?”
Quote:
“As a fugitive I only have two reasons to live... To live and search...”
Yes, one of the reasons he has to live is to live…
Quote:
“They stood stock still upon the brink of change,watching the heavens swirl off into catastrophe,watching the stable matter of being crumble and break into nearly invisible particles,watching the reshaping of the cosmos,all from the safety of their skin.”
The… the safety of what now? What the hell?
Quote:
“Emma Lee can hardly stand moving to a new town, but what happens when she's sucked into a book!”
Ummm… a really fascinating blood spray pattern?
Quote:
“I covered my hands with my face, I hate it when people see me cry. “Why are you crying?” “Because you’re crying.” You were crying before i was... EXACTLY! ... And and that's when it came to me. We were suffering like super heroes did.”
Of course! It’s all so clear now!
Quote:
“Two enemies meet to discuss the eventual ending of a turf war. Wixies and Vameries”
So I’m guessing that “Wixies” are werewolf-pixies, and “Vameries” are vampire-faeries. (If I was half the man I was five years ago, I’d take a FLAMETHROWER to this place…)
Quote:
“What happens when the land of light becomes victim to a rouge demon?”
Everyone gets very rosy-looking cheeks…
Quote:
“A youngest son of of little talent and even less work ethic finds himself cast into the cruel world with naught but a small amount of money and the granary cat. But, as is usual in these types of stories, all is not quite what it seems...”
Fuckfuckfuckfuck!
Quote:
“About a girl and a magical quest that she ha to go on to save the kingdom that exhiled her. Mythical creatures abound, Foxyns, Felequines, and what-not. Romance is worked in too ^_^ Typical girls fantasy story...”
CJ Cherryh, is that you?
Quote:
“Meet three kids with some weird problems. Andrew cant stay awake, Jordan cant stay focused, and May cant stop bleeding.”
I think May’s mom needs to have The Talk with her.
Quote:
“Four friends are going to a frobiden continent. There find that not everything is what it seems. They also find that the don't know as much as they thought about one or themselves.”
OH! OHHHHHHHHHHH!!
