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Eric W.H. Taft
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Post subject: The Place of Dreaming - an excerpt Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 4:50 pm |
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Joined: | 14 Aug 2006 |
Posts: | 40002 |
Location: | Die, Marti Tracy, die |
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Here's a brief excerpt - the very beginning, in fact - of something I shelved a few years ago. It's a very lengthy short story (about 15,000 words) that came in the most startling rush of inspiration I've ever had. The opening line came to me on my drive to work; as soon as I got to the office I started writing without any clear idea of what I was writing; and by the time I went to bed that night I had a finished story I did NOT expect to write.
I did a second draft, much later got halfway through a third, and stalled. Last time I touched this was a little over two years ago. This is probably the last example of a more "flowery" style of writing I've since gotten away from. At the time it was first written (some time in 2001) I recall being very pleased with the opening paragraphs. Reading them now, I am less enamored with the work. Today, I'd rewrite good chunks of even this small excerpt. Resisting the urge to revise things for this post is VERY difficult.
So anyway, that’s my unnecessary preface.
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THE PLACE OF DREAMING
By Eric San Juan
There is a place in the road where the trees rise up and reach their slender fingers toward the sky, grasping at the elusive sun. In autumn the leaves turn a rich gold. They drift from the high places in slow, graceful arcs, small ships in a great ocean of blue. Sometimes when driving the leaves glide toward the windshield, slowly at first; then the car’s movement gives the illusion of acceleration, the leaves rushing forward like blazing comets.
When the wind blows the trees sway with a grand silence, a rustle and murmur barely audible over the hum of tires and speed. They ungulate like arms in a crowd; are they waving hello or good-bye? I do not know. Sometimes I believe the trees do not want me in that place, wish for me to leave quickly, rush me along. At other times they are welcoming, inviting, asking me to stay and stretch my arms to the sun with them. The idea delights and frightens me.
I had always loved that portion of the road, that sacred place. It is not of the same Earth we walk upon; it is something pulled from a space and time that exists elsewhere, in a dream, maybe. I will not walk in that place. I will not stop the car and get out, looking closer at the drifting leaves of gold, the soft and ancient arms of the trees. I will not spoil that place.
There are places like this dotting the landscape, slices of those moments between waking and sleep, hints of a landscape untouched by human hands. They lie hidden in places dark and bright, on sharp bends in the road and nestled in tiny nooks deep within the forest. They tease and taunt. They laugh with life. We can go to those places; many have done so without knowing. Yet once the boundary is passed, once the step is taken from the tangible to the dream, one is changed. It matters not if you did so unaware. You, your life, your world, are never again the same.
I pondered these things sitting upon a brown log overlooking a pool of still water. There were cedar trees above me, a canopy through which the sunlight shone green. A carpet of soft moss layered the ground, broken only by rich black earth and fluttering water. There was stillness in the air; there was movement in the air. There was no air. I was fairly certain eyes were watching me from afar, from nearby, from under and above me.
I was not in the tangible world, you see. I had passed into one of those places, the land where the leaves fall from the sky and into the road like slow-moving comets. I had lost a love I had never truly had, and knew not where I would spend the rest of my days. In sleep or waking?
I was lying on a bed in an old New England inn, the outside covered in snow, the inside warm with heat from a fireplace and steaming tea.
I was driving down the road, watching the leaves fall to my windshield.
I was sitting next to a quiet pool among the cedar trees.
I was lost. Did I need to be found?
END EXCERPT
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JohnnyJ
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Post subject: The Place of Dreaming - an excerpt Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 12:56 pm |
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Lactose intolerant
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Joined: | 28 Dec 2006 |
Posts: | 327 |
Location: | East Brunswick N.J. |
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Very interesting. I'm wondering where it's going and what is next.
That's a good thing I think.
It definitely has its "flowery" moments, much like much of my stuff from years past (present too, who can resist). If that stuff bother's you, cut it. It's hard, but trust me, you won't miss it.
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Eric W.H. Taft
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Post subject: The Place of Dreaming - an excerpt Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 1:50 pm |
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Joined: | 14 Aug 2006 |
Posts: | 40002 |
Location: | Die, Marti Tracy, die |
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No doubt about it. You can be sure that if I ever return to this, I'll be snipping out a lot of text. I'll not likely rewrite it in the style I've taken to since then - a somewhat flowery, at times dreamlike tone is kind of essential - but I'll certainly be clipping the clunkier, overreaching portions.
(Like the whole "comets" thing in the first paragraph. I like the idea of describing falling leaves like little comets, but the line just does not work. Out with it!)
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JohnnyJ
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Post subject: The Place of Dreaming - an excerpt Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 2:15 pm |
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Lactose intolerant
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Joined: | 28 Dec 2006 |
Posts: | 327 |
Location: | East Brunswick N.J. |
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I actually like the comets part. It's a terrific image. But cutting that whole sentence would work too. It leads nicely into the next graph. The next sentence mentions "the hum of tires and speed," but I don't think it's a great leap for readers, since you're talking about a road. Unless you want to cut that too.
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Eric W.H. Taft
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Post subject: The Place of Dreaming - an excerpt Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 2:31 pm |
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Joined: | 14 Aug 2006 |
Posts: | 40002 |
Location: | Die, Marti Tracy, die |
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The image I like; it's just my phrasing that's off. Feels clunky. I can see what you mean re: the "tires and speed" reference. Good thought on that; it's something I hadn't considered. I'll need to rewrite that whole part, probably, as giving the impression of driving is essential to the entire story (it all hinges on driving that stretch of road). Just don't want to be too heavy-handed in doing so. I made a conscious effort to avoid flat-out explaining things in this story, instead letting the reader put the pieces of the puzzle together.
Hmmm. This is making me want to revisit it right now.
Thanks much for your comments.
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JohnnyJ
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Post subject: The Place of Dreaming - an excerpt Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 2:49 pm |
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Lactose intolerant
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Joined: | 28 Dec 2006 |
Posts: | 327 |
Location: | East Brunswick N.J. |
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Quote: This is making me want to revisit it right now.
Sorry. Quote: ; then the car’s movement gives the illusion of acceleration, the leaves rushing forward like blazing comets.
You might be able to just cut this out. Semi-colons suck.
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That meddlin kid
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Post subject: The Place of Dreaming - an excerpt Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 3:37 pm |
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Biker Librarian
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Joined: | 26 Mar 2007 |
Posts: | 25143 |
Location: | On the highway, looking for adventure |
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Well, I can understand why you've pulled back from this sort of style since then. It looks like you're trying much too hard.
Still, it is evocative in places, especially at the very beginning. You were doing something right there.
_________________ The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls who, when he found an especially costly one, sold everything he had to buy it.
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